Tuesday, July 8, 2008

To my Mistress

To my Mistress,

When I entered into this lifestyle, it was with a great deal of anticipation, excitement, and respect for you.  I love and crave your authority over me.  Yet I confess that I have not served you well as a good submissive should.  I want to offer this, my apology, and my explanation.

Slowly we are both coming into our respective roles of sexual dominance and submission. But as I explained in an earlier post in this blog, my submission to you is not merely a sexual act.  It is a lifestyle.  Sex is part of that, but I desire more complete submission than simply our bedroom activities.

I departed from your rules, slowly, at first.  And you didn't resist.  You didn't discipline or admonish.  You didn't seem to notice, actually.  As time went on, I realized the foolishness of offering submission to someone who didn't seem to want it.  It seemed rather pathetic, actually, to sit at your feet or to cast my eyes down when you entered the room.  You didn't seem to care about or appreciate such acts.

I decided to go back to my life before our agreement and offer you whatever level of respect and submission you required from me.  I must say that it is terribly unfulfilling.  My strongest desire is to place not only my sexual experiences, but my life in your hands.  I want to show you, through word, thought, and deed, how I respect and honor you.  I want you to feel as strongly about your authority as I do, and I want you to demand my respect and submission.

Given our recent conversations and late-night activities, I'd like to re-commit myself to our agreement.

I'm a very young submissive, and you might do best to think of me as a child, requiring training, routine, and discipline.  When I do not follow your rules or give you the respect you deserve, I should be punished.

It is not my place to tell you how, or even if, you should train me.  And I know I'm already walking perilously close to that line.  But if it pleases you, I'd be like to offer suggestions for rules and guidelines while we both become comfortable in our roles:

-When in private, I am not to sit at the same level as you.  My proper place is on the floor, at your feet.

-When you leave the room, I should follow you, unless you instruct otherwise.

-When walking, I should always follow a few steps behind you.

-In private, I should address you as Ma'am or Mistress, never anything more familiar.

-Direct eye contact is not allowed unless I'm instructed otherwise.

-I should always wear a tangible token of my submission.  In private, this could be a collar.  In public, a dog tag or chain concealed under clothing.

-As I have failed you in this area in particular, chastity should be enforced with the use of a restraining device when I am home alone, and possibly at other times as you see fit.  You will hold the key.

It's my hope, Mistress, that we can resume our relationship.  I live to serve you, though, and if this is not what you wish, then I will of course comply.

I love you, I adore you, and I apologize for my failure as your servant.  Please continue to train me.  I will naturally accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate.

Your servant

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Best sex I've had in a long time.

A couple of nights ago, I was performing one of my daily duties, keeping my Mistress company while she showered.  I poked my head inside the shower curtain to talk to her, as I used to do frequently in our "vanilla" life.  That was, then, though.  This is now.  Peeking at Melissa without permission is a violation of her rules.

She commanded me to drop to my knees and stay there while she finished her shower, and keep my gaze to the floor.  Of course I complied, and handed her a towel when she finished her shower.

She pulled back the shower curtain, and buried my face in her pussy.  I obediently gave her what she wanted, and she came.  Hard.  More than once.  When she was done, she called me a good boy, and permitted me to rise to my feet.

There are few things more gratifying than pleasing my Mistress in this way.  The old Melissa would not let me perform oral sex on her without insisting on reciprocating.  The new Melissa understands, quite correctly, that she is in control of our sexual relationship.  My pleasure comes from pleasing her.

It's my expectation that sexual encounters benefit her, not me.  They will happen if she wants, when she wants, as often as she wants, how she wants, and it will end the way she wants.  My hope is that she will occasionally let me come too, but I imagine that will be the exception, not the rule.

This was quite possibly the best "sex" I've had in a long, long time.

Good boy

I bought my Mistress a present this week.  A car.  A Chevy Blazer.  It's something I probably would have done anyway, even without our new arrangement.  She needed one; sharing a car is a very difficult thing to do.  But it took on a different meaning now that I'm not just her husband, but her submissive.  

She told me I did a good job, that I had pleased her with my present.  She patted me on the head and said, "Good boy."

On the surface, that all sounded really silly.  and reading it back as I type it, it sounds silly again.  But when she called me a good boy, something unexpected happened.  I felt a deep sense of pride.  It was a very deep, sincere feeling.  The soft of feeling you might imagine a dog gets when it fetches a stick and gets a "good boy" from his owner.

It was so bizarre, and it really caught me by surprise.  It's little surprises like that that make me think I'm doing the right thing here.  The truth is, I've been happier the past several days than I've been in a long time.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The agreement

Here's the agreement between Mistress Melissa and myself.  It's a trial, two-week agreement that we've both agreed to commit to, no matter what.  After two weeks, we'll re-evaluate the agreement and make changes if needed.  Please leave your comments if you have any insight to share.

Submission Contract

**________ hereinafter referred to as Submissive, does of his own free will, and being of sound mind and body, offer himself in consensual Submission to Mistress Melissa **______, hereinafter referred to as Mistress, for the period beginning at midnight on April 29th, 2008 and ending at midnight on May 12th, 2008.


The purpose of this Submissive contract is to instill all that such servitude implies. This contract is written to make clear the expectations of Mistress and the consequences for failure to live up to this agreement. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of the relationship between Mistress and Submissive. Both are committed to promoting health and happiness and improving both lives in the spirit of loving and consensual Dominance and submission, with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration. Submissive desires that virtue be a significant part of this relationship.

Therefore it is agreed that fundamental to his Submission will be the practices of the virtues of trust, honesty, openness, loyalty and obedience. Without the practice of these virtues in this relationship to Mistress, there can be no true Submission. Their practice therefore, is expected and required at all times. These terms and conditions are set forth as a formal way of defining the rules by which both enter into this safe, sane and consensual relationship. With a signature, both Mistress and Submissive agree and accept that these terms and conditions cannot be altered in any way except by mutual consent.

Duties of Servitude

1. It is the duty of Submissive to please Mistress.

2. Personal duties will include the physical/ emotional needs of Mistress, amusement, sexual toy/plaything, physical comfort, waiting on Mistress as desired and needed.

3. Submissive is required to obey all commands given by Mistress within the constraints of this document.

4. Submissive agrees to show an attitude of respect at all times. Disrespect is a serious offense and will not be taken lightly.

5. Respect includes manner of speech, promptness, proper answers, obedience, loyalty and honesty.

6. Respect and obedience are the two most important aspects of attitude. Failure will result in punishment.

7. Submissive shall pay full attention to Mistress when spoken to.

8. Submissive will sit, stand, walk, kneel and lay where, when and how Mistress desires.

9. Training is the prerogative of Mistress and Her decision alone, as are the type, style and pace.

10. The attention of Submissive is to be focused on Mistress unless She commands otherwise.

11 Submissive shall conduct himself to never bring shame or embarrassment to Mistress' name or reputation. Mistress will also conduct herself in a manner that will not bring embarrassment or shame to submissive in a public or work environment setting.

12. Submissive will strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with his capability to serve Mistress and limit his growth as Mistress' submissive.

13. Submissive shall reveal his thoughts, feelings and desires without hesitation or embarrassment.

14. Submissive shall inform Mistress of wants and perceived needs, recognizing that Mistress is the sole judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied.

15. Submissive shall strive toward maintenance of a positive self- image and development of realistic expectations and goals.

16. Submissive shall work against negative aspects of his ego and insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims.

17. Submissive shall make every attempt not to “out” Mistress to those outside the D/s lifestyle, including family and friends, except by mutual consent. No one outside the D/s community is to know about the agreement between Submissive and Mistress, unless both Submissive and Mistress agree.


1. Submissive will be unconditionally available to Mistress during agreed-upon arrangements outside of work hours.

2. Submissive agrees to please Mistress to the best of his ability.

3. Submissive agrees that his body belongs to Mistress, to be used as She sees fit within the guidelines defined by this agreement.

4. Submissive agrees that Mistress possesses the right to determine whether others can use his body and what use they may put it to. Mistress will discuss all such instances in advance with Submissive, to be certain that such play with others will not violate any established limits.

5. Due to the extreme physical danger inherent in unprotected sexual activity, both Mistress and Submissive shall practice safer sexual practices with others.


1. Submissive is allowed safewords in all activities when necessary and trusts implicitly in Mistress to respect the use of said safewords.

2. If a condition arises in which the Submissive needs to use a safeword, Mistress will assess the situation and determine an appropriate course of action. Caution: YELLOW, Stop: RED

3. Once Submissive has recovered, the issues causing the use of the safeword will be discussed and a mutual arrangement for the future will be agreed upon.

4. Submissive agrees to feel pain within reasonable limits.

Mistress’s Rules of Discipline

1. Submissive will not accept or invite any act of discipline from anyone but Mistress. Any such attempts will be brought to the attention of Mistress as quickly as possible. In this area, Submissive has Mistress’ express permission to resist any such attempts with any means at hand.

2. The method and type of discipline, with the exception of physical and mental abuse, is at the sole discretion of Mistress.

3. Mistress will use Her good judgement and fairness in deciding on the form of discipline, taking Submissive’s limitations into consideration.

4. Submissive will keep an accurate record of both the act that created the need for discipline and the punishment that was earned.

5. When physical discipline is applied (includes hands, flogger, crop, etc.) Submissive will count out loud the number of strokes he is to receive and express his thanks to Mistress for Her attention. If Submissive loses track of the count, the count will begin from the start.

6. Once the discipline has been completed, Submissive will be forgiven and the cause forgotten.

7. All discipline will be fair and not without cause. If Submissive has displeased Mistress as a result of Mistress not being clear on Her rules and/or instructions, then no discipline is justified or will be given.

Special Conditions / Hard Limits

At NO time will the physical relationship involve the following:

1. children

2. animals

3. abuse (mental or physical)

4. scat

5. life-threatening

6. body mutilation (including piercing, tattoos and branding).

7. blood play

8. homosexual (male/male) contact

Family will always come first. There will be NO exceptions.

Mistress Responsibilities

1. Protect and defend the honor and name of Submissive.

2. Try to insure that Submissive does not ignored or neglected.

3. Maintain an honest and faithful relationship with Submissive.

4. To assume absolute and total control of Submissive's mind, soul and body, and therefore his development into the true submissive he desires to be.

5. Make every attempt not to “out” Submissive to those outside the D/s lifestyle, including family and friends, except by mutual consent. No one outside the D/s community is to know about the agreement between Submissive and Mistress, unless both Submissive and Mistress agree.

6. At all, times and in all ways, to look after the physical well-being of Submissive. Exercise safe and sane practices, and do not attempt forms of play with which are hazardous to the Submissive unless She is confident in her ability to ensure his safety.

7. Although Submissive’s body belongs to Mistress, Mistress’s body is Her own, and is not subject to any limitations on who else may use it. However, due to the intimacy and respect that Mistress and Submissive share, Mistress will inform Submissive of any and all physical / sexual encounters with others, in advance, if possible.

I, Submissive **_____, offer my submission to Mistress Melissa **_____ under the terms stated above on this the _____ day of _____ in the year _____.

Signature of submissive ________________________________

I, Mistress Melissa **_______, offer my acceptance of Submissive’s submission under the terms stated above on this the _____ day of _____ in the year _____.

Signature of Dominant ________________________________

Monday, April 28, 2008

First post

I've lived my life in conflict with myself. After much soul-searching, I've turned a corner, and as of today, I'm a different person.  Rather than wrestle with myself and feel ashamed because of my submissive nature, my Mistress has instructed me to create this blog.  Although blogging isn't something I find easy to do, I strive to please my Mistress, so, from behind the internet curtain of anonymity, I give you this, my journey of submission.

I'm a man in my late twenties, living in the midwest USA. I'm married, I have kids, and I have a full-time job. I am a submissive male. It's not some game I play in the bedroom, a kink or fetish. It's me, my personality, my life.

Let me back up...

I grew up in a Christian home, with very traditional values and a patriarchal view of men, women, and their respective roles.  When I hit puberty, I started to become intoxicated be feminine power, and fascinated by thoughts of submission.  Long before I ever saw internet porn, and before I ever even knew what "bondage" was, I was experimenting.

I was probably 12 or 13 years old when I first played with rope.  I was a Boy Scout, so I knew a thing or two about knots.  I had several lengths of nylon rope from my knot-tying education in scouts.  I discovered that I rather liked the feeling of ropes around my wrists and ankles, and the restriction of movement when I lay in bed at night.  This was self-bondage, of course.  No powerful female to put me in my place.  I also remember the terrible shame I felt the next morning.  For years, I figured I was just a pervert.  I longed for a powerful woman to control me.

Nobody told me there were other people out there with similar fetishes, and I had no idea there were other young men, albeit a minority, that felt the same way.

I remember when I was a little bit older, in high school...  I had this teacher, we'll call her Miss T.  Miss T was memorable because she was special.  She was unlike any other teacher I had, because she didn't need this job.  She had money, she had talent, and she could be doing other things, and she didn't mind putting us students in our place.  She was powerful, and she knew it.  She wore boots with heels and glasses with black frames.  To the other kids, she was a bitch.  To me, she was a wet dream...

When I graduated I went to college and met Melissa.  Melissa was special, too.  I loved her instantly.  She was smart, she was talented, she was beautiful, and most of all, she was powerful.  She didn't need me.  At times, she was tender and loving, and other times, she was mean and abusive.  The crazy thing was, to me, it didn't matter.  I loved her either way.  I was drawn to her and intoxicated by her.

Now, don't get me wrong - being in an abusive relationship was no fun.  I hated the way she treated me, but I secretly loved being under her thumb.  For the first time since I was a little kid, I had somebody telling me what to do and enforcing consequences if things weren't done her way.

I admired her attitude.  I loved the fact that she had the power to act out every impulse.  If you were on Mel's shit list, you knew it.  Not me; I'm timid and quiet.  If I have a beef with you, I'll probably never tell you.  

Melissa and I have been married almost ten years now.  Thankfully, the abuse was short-lived.  She mellowed out quite a bit.  You'd think that would make for a happy marriage, but it didn't.  We both struggled with our roles.  I'm the man.  I was supposed to make the decisions, wear the pants, lead the family.  She was supposed to be submissive.  but we both sucked at our respective roles.

Through all of it though, all I really wanted was to devote myself to her, to make her happy, to serve her the way I felt I was created to.  I'd try to please her by giving in and letting her have her way, then irrationally putting my foot down and making demands.  Not surprisingly, this approach was unsuccessful.  We constantly butted heads, and the divide between us only grew.

About a year ago, she told me she wanted a divorce.  I was absolutely crushed.  Miserable though my attempts at appeasing her might have been, I had devoted ten years of my life to one person, at the expense of almost everyone and everything else.  And without her, I felt I had absolutely nothing.

I'm happy to say we've patched things up.  I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say we don't plan on splitting up, and we both know ourselves and what we want much better now.

Over the past few months, I've learned a lot about myself.  I discovered that traditional gender roles imposed by a patriarchal society are just that - imposed.  They aren't my own, they were imposed on my by someone else. I discovered the shame that I felt for not being a "real man" (whatever the hell that means) was holding me back and keeping me from doing what I was meant to do - honor, serve, and please Melissa, the greatest gift I have ever been fortunate enough to receive.

So, I talked to Melissa, and we came to a formal agreement.  No longer will I try to to chump my chest, puff up my masculinity, and prove that I can be as aggressive and dominating as she can.  I'll defer to her, and submit to her control in everything.  We adapted a submissive agreement from Mistress Jenn, and I now live solely to serve Melissa.  I have given up my control.

And to clear up one thing I'm sure you are curious about...  Our agreement governs my sexual conduct.  My submission to my Mistress is sexual, but it's far more than that.  This isn't about sex.  It's about life.  Sex is part of life, but only a part.